I Walk Alone.

10 years ago, my favorite book was “Pride and Prejudice”.  At 18, I thought Eliza sounded like the perfect heroine to emulate.

I’m 28 now.  The things that I see now are a bit different.

The 20s, it seems, were reserved for making mistakes in relationships.  I could say learning about relationships but I think making mistakes and learning are synonymous in this situation.  Now, as I’m leaving my 20s, I’m seeing things a little differently than what I saw coming in.

For one, when I reflect back on Pride and Prejudice, what I see amidst a love story is also the story of a girl who couldn’t bite her tongue.  She showed no sort of constraint as she flagrantly aired her opinions of Mr. Darcy around.  In the end, even her own father is skeptical of her love for him and his for her.  And why?  Because she had no self-control.  Sure, Mr. Darcy was an ass at times, but so much of what made Mr. Darcy an ass was actually something benign that had been miscommunicated.  She lacked grace for him.  She lacked perspective.  Instead of taking the time to seek understanding, she lashed out.  It wasn’t hard to do.  Far too many were all to eager to support her opinions of him.  Her hurt feelings from his offenses destroyed his name.

If there is one thing I could say that I do admire about Eliza, it’s that she did, finally, humble herself.  Mr. Darcy owned up to his part and she owned up to hers.  In the end, that is her only redemption, in my eyes.

So often, I find myself in the same situation as Eliza.  I get hurt.  I lash out.  I defame someone.  I tell one side of a tale.  And then, when my nerves calm down a bit, when I take time to think things through instead of feeling them through, I find, quite often, that I wasn’t entirely right.  I find that I’ve made a mountain out of a molehill and rallied the troops to overthrow the {not so} evil tyrant {that actually doesn’t exist}.  I take my problem and multiply it like the cup in Bellatrix Lestrange’s vault.

I am sorry.  I am sorry to the whole world.  I am sorry that I experienced hurt and turned it into seeds of hate, sowing it into the fields of all my relationships.   I am sorry that I’ve pulled others down because it hurt to be down by myself.  I am sorry that I have had no self-control.  I am sorry.  I am.

But now is the time to be an adult.  Now is the time to be 28 and not 18 {which is really only adult in the eyes of the law}.

I want my life to be different and it starts with steps such as these.